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Earlier this week, I went to a parent education night at a school in our community, and listened to a riveting talk by Madeline Levine, author of The Price of Privilege.  She painted a pretty dismal picture of the state of mental health of teens in our country these days.  I’ll start you off with the depressing parts so that we can get them over with…and then you can learn about how you can make a difference.

Although parents want to “do right” by their children, there is a growing trend towards over involvement and micromanagement.  Kids are over-scheduled, with every moment taken up by classes, extra-curricular activities, tutoring and homework.  Parents feel pressure to compete with their friends and colleagues, and to have their children stand out from the crowd.  It’s hard to imagine, but parents are building a “resume” for their children, which they falsely believe will set them up for a more successful future.

The unintended consequence of this type of behavior is that children don’t have time to work on their “normal developmental skills,” such as sharing, cooperation (vs. competition), tolerating frustration, impulse control, time management and decision making.  The cumulative effect of the pressure on performance instead of progress and this busy schedule is a decline in mental health.

Recently there has been a 76% increase in suicide in 10-14 year old girls.  One out of four girls in middle and high schools is depressed, and one third have anxiety disorders.  These insane statistics result from a culture in which “stuff matters more than people and competition matters more than cooperation.”  But what would happen if we lay off a little bit?  Perhaps if your child comes home with a “C” on a test, you might want to re-think threats such as, “you will be flipping burgers for the rest of your life.”

Okay – I know you didn’t come to my blog with the intention of leaving totally depressed.  So, as I usually do, I shall offer some suggestions.  You can thank me later.

Levine acknowledges that it is difficult to deviate from the culture, and says that it can feel like you are a salmon swimming upstream.  ”But the fact is (known by both researchers and anyone who has really paid attention) that children should have chores, be respectful, work for their privileges, and accept their level of ability even as they seek out challenges. They need to feel that they are loved for who they are, not simply what they do.”

She insists that we need to find ways to reconnect with our families, and suggests that we start with shared mealtimes.  Shared mealtimes are “the single most potent factor in promoting a healthy family.”  Having dinner together 5 nights a week improves interpersonal relationships, improves grades, decreases depression and builds a sense of community.  And studies show that even if your child doesn’t act like they care what you think, the family is the first community that they go to for support.

Give the family meal a try – and while you are at it, show your kids that you value things like creativity, imagination, and kindness – not just a perfect score on a test or a pretty face. Oh, and one more thing.  Elbow your spouse in the ribs if they utter objections about the kids having second helpings of ice cream or anyone getting “a little chunky.”  Seriously.

To hear more about The Price of Privilege, listen to Madeline Levine on NPR.